It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
