Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize