i need an iv and a liver transplant
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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