I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
