Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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