The maid of honor just puked.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
