Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
