we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
i drank out of a bidet.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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