I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
