do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
