PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
