I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
