I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
