I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
