this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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