There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
