I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I made him laugh his dick is mine
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
