i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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