last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
