Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
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