you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
