I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
