Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
