he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
