Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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