I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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