Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize