can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
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