Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
