i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
