I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
