I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
