Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
