You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
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