The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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