I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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