My friends, they love my intelligence
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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