I am midnight drunk by noon
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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