Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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