he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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