if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
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