I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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