She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Randomize
