...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
