cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
