Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
