so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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