Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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