yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
