i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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