Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
