Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
