I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
