He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
