she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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