I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
