i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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