Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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